He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
