If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
