my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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