alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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