you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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