I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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