He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
