when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
