Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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