if i can run in heels then i can drive
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
