One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
