she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
