White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
