I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize