That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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