i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
