you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
