Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
