**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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