I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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