I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
