Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
