dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so let's talk penis.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
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Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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