How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
