Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
