i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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