i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
