My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
