The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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