I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
