I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
