I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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