You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
