Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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