So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
