dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
