By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
