I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
