I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
