did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm like, not good at living.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
