she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
