Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
