Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
