I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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