I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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