I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My dick has a subreddit
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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