um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
