I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
