I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
