hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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