Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
