God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
