No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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