he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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