i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
