I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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