Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
