i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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