He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
there's paper in my vomit.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
