Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I feel like abortions should bother me more
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
