farters have to be the big spoon...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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